I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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