you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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