go do what you do best...puke behind churches
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
