This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
