You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
