watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
