You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
