I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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