The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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