We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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