I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
