You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
