i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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