so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
