We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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