I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
