someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
