Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
