Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
