If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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