i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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