Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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