so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
