Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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