Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
