someone threw a dead crab at me
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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