dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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