tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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