Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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