I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
