if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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