you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
