there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
