I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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