My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
