I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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