Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
