i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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