Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
