i jhust puked up my retainher.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
