so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
