There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
