first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
