I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
