alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
