She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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