You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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