38 yer olds are good kisserssss
that's an acceptable place to lick
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
