maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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