a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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