My nipple is on Facebook.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
