he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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