i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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