so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
