I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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