Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
