even my farts smell like vagina
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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