it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
