I wish my penis had an off switch
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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