Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
