I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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