i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
